has been a particularly strong one. ranting and raving. mental confusion, frustration and anger. whining, self-pity.
it was rough, but it's good she facilitated the opening of this door. i am a little embarrassed for the 'steam' leaked out (thank you for listening grace), but...
and i am back to mae. she's just mae now...
and this fire eater. i imagine he got tired of running from this fire ball. now he has turned, facing it, jaws wide open ready to eat it and see what becomes of him... ---
hope everyone who celebrated yesterday had the special day they'd hoped for...
it's hard to believe this is down the way from me.
and that i can walk here. trees and the water have infused me with something new in the months since i've been here. i know this has to be true.
it's real that this place is beautiful to me. and it's real that i miss the desert. the trees and i have had wonder-full meetings. yet these woods around here are spooky. something i'm not used to.
it's also spooky to be alone. no 6ft. 2 son to walk me places. no son or daughter close by to look me in my eyes or to encourage me and rag me for my quirks. now there are new eyes to look into and my own ayes.
sister and i have had a ROCKY past, but we have always had this tie that we can't be apart. where ever one went, the other would follow. we could not resist the pull. we are EXTREME opposites. i am the odd man out of our family... i should say i am the EXTREME opposite of the bunch of us. but now it seems we (sister and i) have come to understand each other and where we can't, it's okay.
she has been encouraging me. encouraging me as she says "to fly". my feet stay as close to the ground as possible when dealing with this world. my soul is the one that stays flying above the clouds. i think she has been influencing me to let my feet join my soul. and suddenly i realized i was up on my tippy toes ready to jump... and i came to consciousness and was scared. what happened? how did i get up here? hahahahha
so that's part of the long version of this story... the other parts are uncomfortable circumstances that i'm realizing are just circumstances, but that they are real. and sister has been running interference for me recently, trying to allow me to make the decision for myself.
so it seems i am making these decisions. and the fight may be in my mind, playing out in what's around me.
--- thank you for all for the words on the last post. you just don't know how much they have all helped. :)
middle son has entered treatment. it's a gift from the Universe that is just too immense for me to articulate. i've just been doing nothing since. sleeping, thinking and restoring. thank you who sent good thoughts and prayers my way. i deeply deeply appreciate them. miracles happened.
i am going to work on some face samples today. i also realized i did not post my previous photos to the class, so i am going to do that along with whatever faces come through to be stitched.
i have this saying on a prayer flag i made. the one next to it says 'if you have to eat dirt, eat clean dirt'. an african american slave saying.
no photos for this post. i've been doing sewing work... sneaking it in here and there. but i am just too tired or maybe don't have the gumption to pull out the camera.
i am posting in the midst of madness. on the night grace commented about Thunder Man on her horizon (hope you're alright over there miss grace), i had one on my horizon. he came brandishing lightning bolts and causing a lot rain. we've been under his storm for almost a week now.
he's angry now looking at me in the kitchen as i write this. he's my middle son. he's been diagnosed with something or other. he's been getting worse.
i figured i'd just make this post. not waiting for the good times.
i've made a grass faerie. she came to me the night i posted in the workshop. i struggled making her. she seemed to be angel like. i don't like depicting angels. i'll post and write about her later.
a butterfly also came. i gave it a wash and it is sitting in my box.
also started a color blanket. and worked on one of the foundations from the spirit cloth class this morning.
right now as i type this, i am interrupted at least every 5 or 6 words typed. sick niece at foot of my bed and my LOUD family has boundary issues... hahahahha
it's been like this for the past several weeks. a hermit either a) wants to escape b) wish all this didn't bother me c) have a beer many beers
did not get to finish embellish for the spirit cloth class. it makes me very sad. but i had to let something go or i was going to self-destruct.
i was just able to start looking at posts at the class and man, what everyone's done is AMAZING. to see the way everything has progressed for everyone. the process of the mind is just boggling and beautiful. i really REALLY appreciate being able to be a part of everyone's process that shared.
i will be continuing the learning here and i will also be in the patchwork beasts starting tomorrow.
thank you so much grace! i can feel you and your desert in this cloth. i think i can even smell the beautiful air/earth of the New Mexico i long for...
i was so excited opening the package up grace... i burst into tears when i saw 'you'/the cloth. my son just stood over, looking at me like i was crazy hahhahhaha. the diamond shining, the soft light butterfly hovering, the thread pearls... lovely. to see/have this piece in person, i feel so honored.
your beautiful writing on the lovely stationery, the warm cloth... i want to put it all up in a scrapbook of some kind. but i will keep it out so i can look at and touch it and remember my relation.
thank you for this wonderful connection/communication grace. :)
maybe i could say poof and make everything appear.
i think it's supposed to be disappear, but i'd like for somethings to appear.
all the ideas in my head :poof: and they'd be here.
i know the fun is supposed to be in the journey. but maybe i'd replace fun with expansion or growing or understanding.
---
i don't know if i've written about this yet, but in about 2 months... i have some life changing things that will be going on. as the time approaches, the :real:ity of it becomes closer to touch. 2 years ago, i started my present situation under circumstances that seemed viable. but those circumstances were ever changing spiraling twisting beyond anyone's control. so i'm in this place where i did not foresee i would be. no one's fault... no blame... just here. but that does not cancel the reeling feelings of fear, uncertainty, sadness, loss of control... so all the moods i can finally admit to myself are my just realizing what's becoming more real everyday and trying to figure things out. i guess the ability to pretend :things are not what they are: serves a purpose sometimes...
in a comment, grace brought up in me the idea i've been holding for a long time of having an online shop. i've been thinking more and more of doing that. hahahahahha i have no clue what i would offer there. maybe today, i will sign up for it.
a door opened up while reading posts at the class blog this morning.
so many of my thoughts over the past days have intersected with the thoughts and works over there. dealing with expression, truth, one's own work...
the words i read over there hit right at the center of me. i think they are the key to this rough journey i've been on. a piece i have just not been able to figure out keep forgetting to keep close to me.
came across this song today. second time i've been feeling :funky: and i've heard this song on the tv. memories coming to meet me...
---
You say the hill's too steep to climb, Climb it! You say you'd like to see me try, Climb it! You pick the place and I'll choose the time And I'll climb The hill in my own way Just wait a while, for the right day And as I rise above the treeline and the clouds I look down hear the sound of the things you said today Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd, smiling Merciless, the magistrate turns 'round, frowning And who's the fool who wears the crown Go down in your own way And everyday is the right day And as you rise above the fearlines in the frown You look down Hear the sound of the faces in the crowd
it's been a long time since i've taken a class. the class i'm taking is a freeform freeflowing one and thank goodness. i'm still a little overwhelmed. i am really slow. i'm realizing more about how i work... my :thought to manifestation: process. i take a lot of time thinking about things. which can be good, but i'm realizing where it makes me stop action. where it stops the freeflow from :wherever things come from:.
also realizing just how quiet i am. probably a mixture of shy and just not inclined to talking a lot. i think a lot about what i see, but it feels only relevant to me. i'm not used to voicing my thoughts all time. feels strange to me. probably a cultural thing. runs against the grain of this internet world. i'm trying to figure out how to make a balance of this, since i obviously want to participate in this forum (i'm here).
can't forget to factor in the grandbaybees... a terrible two and a frazzling four... :)
so i'm in the process of figuring it all out or at least as much as i can, from what i'm aware of at this point...
it's been pretty hectic around here. most of the hectic in my mind i'm sure. rush rush rush. conflict with slow slow slow. i feel fear when i'm rushing. fear of losing something, missing something. fear of the tic. tock.
noticed how tangible the moment/story is with one of these cloths. the thoughts jump out at me. they jump into my brain complete with feeling, ideas, problems, solutions. magic. and i did not realize how powerful that could be.
also noticed i question the quilting part of the cloth. i wonder why. fear/conflict of perfection/non performance going on in my head? after i do it though, i love it.
while stitching this, i forgot this was supposed to go on my comforter. is that yarn/vine/umbilical cord going to hold up to washing? is it gonna get all wibbly wobbly? well we'll see...
i think miss moon is camped out on my left shoulder. she's been whispering in my ear forever now.
i've had many moons like this past one and i've forgotten or wasn't aware of many many past moons. i realize (again?), this moon, however that remembering/knowing helped/helps me to ride it out.
the journey a symmetrically imperfect tangled vine. it's not straight, but it's not too scary either. just enough curve to sway me from one side to another and jostle me around a bit, if i'm smiled upon. it's a vine growing from emotions fueled by a clear or cloudy perspective.
i put the quarter moons together using jude's paperless piecing video. i tried it out last week on some entsy teensy squares for practice and the stitchin felt really good. it forced me to hold the pieces in my hands in such a way that produced really good sturdy control.
i had a birthday several days ago. i don't like planned birthday things.
they always seem too stressful. and yes the past several days were kinda stressful. i'm a hermit happily. i don't like hanging out unless it's something to do with nature. i prefer that type of company over crowds.
well i ended up in a crowd. a crowd in a little tiny penned up outdoor space no less. but i did it because someone i'm close too really wanted to go. my birthday gift to myself, adapting and change.
i didn't get to do too much sewing over the weekend. i tried. nothing would come out. so i just sewed. i don't like it yet. i hope it transforms into something nice. nothing's connected just random shapes and objects. right now i'm just decompressing.
reminds me of summertime, on the warm concrete curb raking branches in the gutter. sending leaf boats floating down.
neighborhood bulletin board.
it's been over a year since i've sat outside. i realize i really miss the plants. had a really good conversation with a beautiful young tree. i had tears in my eyes. i had forgotten what that felt like.
i've been feeling a little sketchy here lately. can't quite get back around to center. been traveling around in circles, missing the midpoint. the one theme/thread running through my scattered thoughts... to make a pad to remind me when i'm gifted with the prospect of another day, to wake up, relax and enjoy it. the warmth and life giving properties of the sun and the lazy days of the end of summer. lying in the grass, letting the earth move around me, not me trying to move the earth. now to do that would be great.
:i hope miss mama moon is happy here on this little mishmash section of sky:
think it's pretty much finished. i'll probably add a couple of little things here and there. and it needs a binding... a thin one maybe.
it feels pretty good... it's got good weight and texture for the hands/touch. i freehand stitched the lettering. i did it partly because i am purposefully skipping the aspects of sewing that are usually roadblocks to either my finishing the works, or obstructions to : flow:. i also thought the loose look may fit in here. quilting it was a good light full experience.
after watching the weather report today, i realized i'm not as averse to wind and fire as i previously thought. i remember i enjoy storms. i feel very alive standing in the wind and rain waiting for the crackle and flash of a streak of lightning. i understand the fears of the danger of this part of nature, but i only feel swirling power and recognition from them. they wake me up, representing this life in action. as long as i can remember, i've collected rainwater. i'd keep the bottles sitting on my dresser, tangible evidence that this huge cycle is happening and i witnessed it/was a part of it for that moment. i miss them a lot when they are gone or don't show up as predicted.
i fear the sudden change these 2 elements represent, however in this context they seem to be a part of me and the fear is not there. i think this is where i can safely begin to explore representing them. i'm very excited at this new understanding.. :thank you world!:
'when granny would come, she'd make us sugar cookies. she'd tell me and your uncle to get under her quilt stretched out between the chairs. she'd place a plate of those cookies down there and tell us to watch where she'd send the needle down, and for us to poke it back up right next to where she'd sent it down from.' -my dad
about me
i'm the head misfit of the little hearts. i love to sew. i love the :magically: made vs. the man made. classic underachiever with all the -ics, -ions and -esses... i like the feel of things. sometimes i drift to other planes. the way i appear here is all that :matter:s here, so i (guess i) should be here.
